Baby Bonus
by IDidn'tJustSignUpForThis
Summary: Geoff said that Grif and Simmons would have a baby some day. How that conversation goes down is bound to be hilarious. Naturally, there has to be a fic about it.


Disclaimer: This is pure silliness and fits nowhere in actual story line.

"Do you want to have a baby?"

"What? Us? _Together_? What makes you think either of us could raise a kid!?"

Grif shrugged. "Tucker did it."

"Tucker left his kid alone in a canyon in the middle of nowhere with your sister!"

Grif shrugged again, "Kai did fine."

Simmons stared at him in disbelief. "Her and Junior are _space pirates._And I hardly see how that counts as a) Tucker raising a child or b) Tucker doing a _good job_."

"He took him back." He pointed out, "I mean, he's still a space pirate but at least they love that weird alien kid. It's more than your dad did for _you_."

"That's exactly my _point_. Your mom ran away to be a fat bearded circus lady!"

"And I did fine with Kai."

Simmons raised an eyebrow.

"Mostly okay."

He raised the other.

"This isn't about my sister."

"No, it's about how neither of us know the first thing about raising a child."

"We don't know the first thing about _anything_ we do here."

Simmons opened his mouth to argue but found he couldn't. That was actually a pretty good point.

"I'm not bringing a kid into this world to fail like my father did." He said flatly.

"Hey, I've got no intention of fucking up as hard as _my_ mom did, either."

Things went silent as Simmons realized that Grif was actually being_serious_.

"Oh, for the love of God!" A voice shouted from behind the rock a few yards away, "Just have the damn baby!"

"Tucker!?" Simmons shouted, somehow still surprised by his frequent eavesdropping.

"And quit insulting my damn kid! Junior's a perfectly happy and normal alien child. I think."

"Told you." Grif said smugly.

"I still think that this is a horrible idea."

"_Every_ idea we have is horrible. It's always worked out for us in the past."

Simmons sighed. "Fine. Whatever. It's not like I ever win these anyway."

A few yards away there was the sound of a victorious "Yes!" followed by a much quieter "Wash owes me fifty bucks."

Grif laughed. "Just waits til Sarge hears about this."

"Oh God." Simmons said. "He's going to be so disappointed in me."

"Are you kidding?" Tucker shouted. "Wash owes_ him_ a hundred!"

"Have you all been betting on this!?"

"Nah." Tucker said. "Doc thought it was immoral to bet on the life of another living being."

"Kai owes us fifty as well." Grif reminded Tucker.

"And Carolina!" He shouted back.

"Wait, Grif, you _knew_ about this!?"

Grif shrugged. "We're having a baby. I figured it was time I started earning money _somewhere_."

"I can not believe I just agreed to have a baby with you."

"No take backs!" Tucker shouted, "I radioed Wash already!"

"I can not _believe_ you said yes." Wash's voice cut in on Simmons' radio. "You're always so- and Grif is so- This is not a good idea! Do you have any idea how much money I _lost_ on this?"

"I knew you were stupid." Carolina's voice said, "But I'd given you more credit than _this_."

Simmons stared at Grif in disbelief. "You turned out child's life into a_betting pool_?"

"Hey, don't look at me. Tucker started it!"

"You placed your bet pretty quickly, dude."

Grif shrugged. "Like I said, I'm having a kid. It's time I started making money."

"I am so _happy_ for you!" Donut said, appearing out of nowhere, "Where are we going to put the nursery? Doc's been teaching me all about feng shui! And what colour should it be? Maybe a nice lightish red!"

"I can not _believe_ this."

"Por lo menos no has perdido doscientos dólares."

"Is there a single person in this canyon who hasn't bet on this!?" Simmons shouted in disbelief.

"Lopez is technically a robot and Church is also out two hundred bucks." Grif offered.

"That is _not_ what I meant."

"Junior owes us twenties, too." Tucker put in.

Simmons looked around at everyone who had congregated since the making of this decision, leaving Grif for last. "I'll be in my room." He said flatly.

"Bow chika-"

"Grif will _not_ be following me!" Simmons shouted, storming off.

They all watched as Simmons made his way back to red base.

Grif turned back to look at the others. "You all still owe me my money."

Disclaimer two: That Spanish comes from google translate.


End file.
